The Chamber of Contemplative Musings
by kgfinkel
Summary: Drips and Drabbles of stories that could potentially lead to something epic. Updates will be sporadic as my muse is temperamental and I still have two other stories I'm working on. No pairings unless otherwise specified. I dislike Ron Weasley and Albus Dumbledore so expect bashing!
1. Coffee, Tea and Political Power?

**Coffee, Tea and Political Power?**

Set during first year, Harry Potter is in Hufflepuff and is speaking to the other firsties in his house about how the Dark Lord acted more like a Gryffindor during the latter parts of the Blood War. Draco Malfoy of Slytherin overhears part of the conversation…

* * *

"Potter! How dare you claim that the Dark Lord is anything other than the epitome of Slytherin," Draco growled menacingly.

Harry calmly glanced over his shoulder at the angry blonde boy and motioned him to join the crowd, "Draco…may I call you Draco?" The blonde Slytherin warily nodded, "Draco, think about the actions that the man undertook during the last few years. He became increasingly belligerent, gave out grand and long-winded monologues about his skill and fought with increasing flashiness. That, to me, is the mark of a Gryffindor."

A couple of the other Puffs smirked or chuckled.

Harry continued, "Now if it were me, I'd go a truly Slytherin approach that no one would recognize until it was too late." He pulled a single gold Galleon out of his pocket and placed it on the table, "A single Galleon. It weighs about 2 troy ounces of pure gold. According to Professor Flitwick, who by the way is part Goblin, the only enchantments on each of these coins are the maker's mark. There's nothing stopping anyone from melting these down to get an ingot."

"So?" Draco sneered.

Harry just gave him an mildly amused smirk in response, "So, in the muggle world, gold can be sold, bought and traded for a price on their stock market. The value fluctuates over time so each coin might be worth more or less depending on when it's put up on the market."

Hermione Granger, a muggleborn first year who had been sorted into Ravenclaw, nodded in agreement.

"Now, according to the Goblins in Gringott's, the currency conversion between a Galleon to the British Pound is 5 to 1, that is to say 5 pounds to 1 Galleon. Next, like I said each Galleon weighs about 2 troy ounces and this past July, gold was selling for £207.54 per troy ounce. That makes the gold in this Galleon worth £415.08."

The other muggleborns were surprised at that. Small murmurs of shock and interest floated through their quick conversations.

"So as we now know, the conversion rate of 5 to 1 means I can take that 415.08 and bring it back to Gringott's and exchange it for roughly 83 Galleons. Each of those Galleons is still worth the original 415.08. The amount of Galleons you get back with each trip to the muggle world and Gringott's will increase exponentially."

"But Harry, won't all that trading and selling destabilize the currency and gold prices?" exclaimed Hermione.

Harry nodded, "Yes, what I'm describing here is merely an ideal situation. In reality, I would advise against making as many trips as possible. Rather, I'd recommend making a trip only once or twice a month and even then with different gold dealers and Gringott's tellers so no one gets wise to the scheme."

The assembled group was stunned to say the least. At a quick glance, Harry could see that there would be a few of the less fortunate students that would be attempting this as soon as they went home for the holidays.

"Now to continue with my plan on world domination," Harry began, "You've gotten your financial side in place and you now need something to manipulate on a more personal level to get what you want. There are two main types of drinks in this world, coffee and tea. Yes, there are others but none more readily available to all levels of civilization. Imagine that you go to a stockbroker if in the muggle world or Gringott's in the magical, and you tell them that you wish to buy out controlling interest in the entire production line from farm to cup of either coffee or tea. It really doesn't matter which for this demonstration."

Several people were now writing all this down and even Draco was pulling out a quill and parchment.

"Once you have the entire line, you can then adjust the prices to whatever the market will bear. You market it as the only product that is worth having. You make it the brand that everyone loves and will prefer over others. Then somewhere along the line, you inevitably get some rival upstart trying to muscle in on your territory! To compete, you have to raise prices but if that happens you risk angering your client base. If it were me, I'd point to my rival and exclaim that 'I'm just trying to provide you with the product that you know and love but the change in prices is the result of him/her. They make an inferior product and try to pass it off as a better item. You know that it's not the case!'"

Draco made a comment that normally; the upstart would find himself or herself in a world of hurt.

"That may be one way but that just leads to anger and violence. Then the DMLE has to be brought in to investigate and I'm sure no one wants that to happen. To continue, you let the rumor out that the product provided by your rival has been known to contain impure ingredients, ingredients known to cause illness. You then let it be quietly known that if said rival were to be driven out of business, prices would come down to where they were before this whole thing started."

Neville Longbottom of Gryffindor picked up on the end result faster, "So by floating the rumors of impure ingredients, you start the idea that buying that drink will make you sick. Since no one wants to be sick, they'll avoid it as much as possible. By suggesting that prices will go back to what they were before, it's an even bigger incentive to avoid the rival's drinks which then lead to him or her going out of business."

Harry grinned and nodded, "Exactly! All of this is done subtly and non-violently. No one suspects they are being played to achieving your goals for you. The Dark Lord's methods of killing off families just lead to more violence and investigations. That's not very Slytherin of him if you think about it."

The others sat there at the table thinking about what Harry had described. Could it really be that simple? Yes, what he had described was a rather ideal situation and unlikely to be had in reality but it did lead to some interesting questions.

Harry then laid out another bombshell, "I'm surprised that no one hasn't figured out that this is the exact same sort of scenario that the Headmaster has been playing at during the entire Blood War."

Draco looked at him sharply, "What do you mean?"

Harry glanced at him curiously, "Take everything I've just described and apply it to the events of the past fifty years. Who do we know is in a position of immense power? Who was it that suddenly came along and tried to usurp said power? What was the result of that confrontation?"

Hermione put it together quickly and let out a little gasp of shock, "The Headmaster! Oh, my god! But…but…oh, Harry!"

Harry nodded sagely, "Dumbledore set everyone up to look upon his services as Professor, Headmaster, Chief Warlock and Supreme Mugwump as the best thing in the world! You want a good, quiet life? Buy into what he's selling! The Dark Lord came along and offered another way of living? No! You must reject him and his message! If you don't, he's going to come along and kill you in your sleep!"

The others paled in the realization of what Harry had described. They could clearly see the truth in the raven-haired boy's questions and revelations.

"So what do we do about it?" Neville asked tremulously.

"Share what you've learned and talk to those who are capable of investigations. Write letters to government officials asking them to start looking into the situation. Talk to people you trust. Susan? Your aunt is the Director the DMLE right?" Susan nodded, "Talk to her and see if you can convince her to look into the problem. Share your knowledge with her. At best, it will cause Dumbledore's regime to come toppling down. At worst, nothing happens."

Draco let out a shuddering breath, "It's worse than my father keeps saying it is."

Harry snorted, "Way worse than even he could dream of, Draco. Listen, how long has Dumbledore been in the position of Headmaster, teacher, Chief Warlock, etc? Several generations of students have passed through these halls and have been taught by the man himself. The first generation, yeah they'd be your best bet to talk to. They weren't raised to believe every utterance from him to be the reincarnation of Merlin himself. With each successive generation, you get a population who increasingly believes he can do no wrong."

The bell rang for the afternoon classes just then. Harry stood up, retrieved his Galleon, his books and quietly headed for the door.


	2. Huh Well, that was easy

**Huh…Well, that was easy**

Premise: AU. Set during third year, Hermione launches her own investigation into the Curse of the DADA Professorship.

No pairings. Light AD bash.

 **/O/**

"You sure about this Hermione?" Harry asked as he looked over her notes.

"As sure as one can be. I've had the Arithmancy and the runes checked by Professors Vector and Babbling. They both concur as to the proposed solution."

Harry just shook his head and blinked for a moment. It sounded too…easy. This was _supposed_ to be a dark curse that was unable to be found and cleared out and rumored to have been set in place by the Dark Lord himself.

 **/O/**

 _ **In the Director of the DMLE's office, Ministry for Magic…**_

"So walk me through this again, Miss Granger. You say that you've figured out the locations of the anchors to the DADA curse?" Director Amelia Bones asked gently.

Hermione's hands shook lightly with nervousness. Harry spotted it and gently took her hand into his. She gave him a brief smile and launched herself into the back-story and history of the legendary curse.

"According to Hogwarts legends, the one who became known as 'Lord Voldemort' applied for the position of Professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts back in 1957. He had a brief interview with the newly elevated Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. While what was talked about during the interview is unknown, the end results were clear. The position was not given to the Dark Lord and he left in what an angry rage."

"Before he left the grounds of the school, Voldemort made a declaration that from this day forward, no professor for DADA would be able to teach beyond one school year be it from personal injury or death, injuring or killing others, financial crimes, et cetera. So each and every year since then, there has been a progressive line of new professors teaching the subject. Some good, some bad, all left the position at the end of the school year. As a result, the curse grew in power as the quality of teachers dropped. No one wanted to take a cursed position."

"When I heard about the supposed curse, it was explained to me that it had been in place for a long time and that no one had been able to dispel it. That struck me as wrong. We have two professors who, when working together, could rival any of the cursebreakers currently employed by the ministry. I even took my findings to the Headmaster only to be given a condescending pat on the head and a few house points. I later found out the Headmaster didn't _want_ the curse to be broken as it would be against his views of the 'Greater Good.' He wanted everyone to be so inept at defense that they would have no choice but to look to him for salvation furthering cementing his public persona as the 'Almighty Albus Dumbledore.'"

Amelia removed her monocle and rubbed the bridge of her nose in exasperation before motioning to Hermione to continue.

"I took it upon myself to investigate just what was needed for the curse to work and found it existed in three parts. As we both know, three is a magically strong number. From that research, I found that the contract parchment hadn't been rewritten or changed since the early 1900's. Next, I checked the classroom itself. It too hadn't been used as anything _but_ the DADA classroom during that same timeframe. Finally, I concluded that the curse would have to be powered by something strong and that meant the school's Wardstone and ley lines."

 **/O/**

 _ **Later in the Headmaster's office…**_

Hermione, Harry, Albus Dumbledore, Professors Vector, Babbling, Flitwick, Amelia Bones and a couple of Ministry cursebreakers assembled to go over the final preparations to rid the school of the curse.

"Once more, I'd like to point out that this intervention is not necessary. I fully believe that we can handle things here on our own time," grumbled Albus.

"Stuff it, Albus. It's because of your inaction and potentially criminal behavior that we are even here today," Amelia growled back before gesturing to Hermione.

Hermione took and released a deep breath before laying it all out again, "Okay. The curse seems to be in three parts. As we all know that three is one of the more powerful sets in magical numerology. First we have the contract itself. It hasn't been changed since it was created nearly a hundred years ago." She held up said contract and with an inked quill, circled the tiny cluster of runes that lay embedded into the parchment as a watermark.

"I say!" Squeaked Professor Flitwick, "I can see how it would've been easy to miss. When presented, it would've been lying on the desk and the prospective teacher wouldn't have noticed it."

Hermione nodded, "With any good investigative work, all documents need to be examined thoroughly and from _all_ angles. Next we have the rune cluster etched into the stone archway that leads into the classroom. This classroom is the same one that has been in use for this subject all the way back to the creation of the said document. It would not have been a good idea to etch the connective array into the wooden doorframe itself, as wear and tear would've resulted in its replacement. When we get to the classroom, you'll find the array above the doorway on the inside of the classroom. It's just as tiny as the watermark here. It's so small that I nearly would have missed it if I hadn't been running my fingers over the stone block's surface."

"Third, the power for the curse comes from the cluster array etched into the school's Wardstone."

She took another breath and continued, "Now I feel and the Ministry cursebreakers agree with me that the Wardstone shouldn't be touched as it also powers everything else and if damaged would be catastrophic. Also, in our calculations, the destruction of just one of the array anchors will create a magical feedback that will destroy the curse. So, Headmaster Dumbledore if you would, please destroy the master copy of the current contract."

Dumbledore gave one last look of condescension, drew his wand and incinerated the scroll. There was a loud rumble that seemed to emanate from the very foundations of the school. When the shaking stopped, the group headed down to the DADA classroom. Hermione pointed to where the now fractured connecting runic cluster was located. Everyone took turns examining the tiny array and marveled at its simplicity and ingenuity. The cursebreakers ran their diagnostics and declared the curse to have been broken. Just to be on the safe side, they also scratched out the cluster from the stone wall.

The team that had been sent to monitor the Wardstone reported that it merely dimmed for a moment before coming back 'online.'

After the conclusion of the breaking of the curse, Amelia turned to Dumbledore, "I think it's time we had a chat about your unwillingness to contact the Ministry to assist in breaking the curse amongst other things."

 **/O/**

Remus Lupin, aka 'Moony' aka 'Professor Lupin,' sat at his desk in the DADA office grading the latest essay he'd assigned to his sixth year students. As he was writing out a question to an incomplete answer, he felt the rise of magical pressure building up somewhere out in the classroom proper. Rising to his feet, he opened the door just in time for the magical detonation from the breaking of the DADA curse to release and shove his body into the wall. The last thought he had right before losing consciousness was, _'What the hell was that?'_

He awoke to the faint scent of disinfectant and dittany. When he opened his eyes and let them focus, he found Harry and Hermione sitting in chairs at the foot of his bed. He glanced around and determined that he was resting and recovering from the explosion in the school's Infirmary.

"Ha-Harry?" he weakly called out.

"Hey Professor. Glad you could rejoin us in the land of the living, " Harry chirped.

Hermione helped him take a brief sip of water, which gave him the ability to speak without a rasp, "What…what happened?"

"Magical backlash from a curse being disposed of." Hermione explained.

An eyebrow rose slowly.

Hermione relaunched into her dissertation as to what she'd discovered about the history of the DADA curse and how to get rid of it. Remus stayed quiet and when she finally wound down to a stop, cleared his throat as he took it in and began to dissemble it in his mind.

"I can't believe that Dumbledore actually let the Ministry into the school to assist with this. I'd always thought that he'd believe it could be done 'in-house.'"

Hermione grumbled, "Director Bones didn't give him a choice. It appears Dumbledore didn't _want_ the curse to be broken. He wanted the resulting education and quality of teachers to become so low that the wizarding population would have no choice but to accept his so-called 'I'm Merlin's Gift to Magic' power. It's disgusting really…"

Remus just slowly shook his head in numbed thought, "So what happens now?"

Madam Bones stepped in at that moment, "Now comes the arduous task of trying to unravel the mess that the old goat created over the past forty years. I've had to officially arrest him for his interference against clearing out a dangerous curse from the school. I hope that you will recover quickly enough and get back to teaching. I know that from my own niece that you are currently the best DADA teacher and from the statements given from the older students, they agree and state that it's been years that anyone's _actually_ learned something."

"With any luck, now that the DADA curse was dispelled, Professor Lupin will remain past the usual one-year mark," commented Hermione.

Harry looked up at Amelia, "Does this mean that there's going to be a trial for the Headmaster?" She nodded in response. "Good. I hope that the governing body throws him to the wolves."

Remus was taking another drink and nearly snorted his glass of water up his nose.


	3. Dobby's Tale: Not all heroes wear capes

**Dobby's Tale: Not All Heroes Wear Capes…**

Premise: Harry finds a stack of handwritten journals buried within a trunk after the war. What he discovers about his littlest friend.

No Pairings. AU.

 **/O/**

 _ **12 June 1998…**_

Harry Potter, age 18, swore loudly as he tripped over the corner of an old trunk poking out from behind another box in the attic of Shell Cottage. Rubbing his toe after dancing around a bit in pain, he glared at the offending trunk before his face morphed into confusion. _'This looks like a traveling trunk but it's too small…'_ He reached out and pulled it out from behind the other box and looked at it trying to figure out how to get it open.

"What do you have there, Harry?" Hermione's voice startling him out of his introspective revelry.

"Sheesh, Hermione! Don't sneak up on me like that!" he yelped.

Hermione just gave him a lop-sided grin in response, "Right. So…what do you have there?"

"Dunno, just found it when it suddenly leapt out and smashed into my toe," Harry snarked back.

Hermione didn't verbally respond but did give him 'The Look.'

Shrugging his shoulders, Harry turned back to the trunk and found what appeared to be a thumbplate. Running his thumb along the embossed face, he felt a slight prick of a needle and the sound of a hidden latch being released. Upon opening the lid, both Harry and Hermione gasped at what lay within.

"Journals? Why are they so small?" Hermione queried.

Harry picked up one and opened it up to the first page. His eyes widened as he read the neat writing out loud.

 _ **'August 1990, Interesting discovery made in Young Master's room. Young Master apparently is interested in muggle comic books, specifically a character named 'Superman.' I've seen a couple of others in his collection; one named 'Batman' and another named 'Doctor Strange.' One thing that keeps coming to my mind is that all of these heroes wear capes. I have to assume that this is part of their mentalities: Heroes Wear Capes!'**_

 _ **'July 1992, I finally got to meet The-Boy-Who-Lived! Harry Potter in the flesh! I couldn't believe how small and thin he was. I don't know what those guardians of his were thinking but should the impossible happen, I will make it my mission in life to bring young Harry back to optimal health.'**_

"I…I think this is a journal written by Dobby," Harry stammered.

"Really?" Hermione replied, "I didn't know that elves could read and write." Harry just shook his head and continued to read, not even noticing when Hermione finally left.

' _ **September 1992, That boy certainly is brave, I'll grant you that but still it would have been better to just wait for an adult to come by and assist him to either the train platform or to take him directly to the school. I know that I'll have to punish myself for what I did but still…such bravery! He and the redheaded friend of his**_ **flew** _ **the father's car to the school. Sometimes I wonder if being sorted into Gryffindor was the best place for him. He's intelligent, anyone can see that but with that redheaded twit that flits around him like a gnat it's almost impossible for him to let it out and shine.'**_

"Huh, didn't know that there would've been an adult nearby. Makes sense in hindsight, I guess," Harry mused as he reached for a later dated journal.

 _ **'March 1993, I have decided that the redheaded 'friend' of Harry Potter is nothing more than a loud-mouthed charlatan. One of these days I certainly hope that he either mouths off to the wrong person or he chokes on his meal! What Harry Potter sees in him, I'll never understand.'**_

"Don't worry Dobby, I got rid of him soon after that year. Git…" Harry growled.

 _ **'June 1993, If I could dance a jig of joy I would but not in my present location, I think the other elves here in Hogwarts would think me crazed. Harry Potter has brilliantly engineered the most wonderful gift he could give to me or any other elf in my place! I AM FREE! No longer will I have to do the bidding of that self-righteous, arrogant prick of a magical human! Oh, if only I had the foresight to kick the bastard after I flung him down the stairs!**_

"I'm glad you enjoyed your release Dobby," Harry sniffled happily.

 _ **'July 1993, Harry Potter doesn't know it and I hesitate to tell him but I've decided that my freedom isn't all that it's cracked up to be. No one wants to employ a free elf, they all want things to be as they were. I know of a bonding ritual that I could use to bind myself to him but I'm not sure if he would take part. I'll have to stop by his residence tomorrow.'**_

' _ **July 1993 continued, I stopped by the Dursley residence where Harry Potter is staying. Unfortunately, he had an argument with the adults and left for parts unknown. I**_ **knew** _ **I should've attached an elf tracer to him! I'll just keep an ear and eye out…'**_

"Oh, yeah that was the time when I blew up Marge the Barge," Harry chuckled at the memory.

 _ **'November 1993, Finally caught up to Harry Potter! I managed to convince the Head Elf at Hogwarts to let me work there even if it is doing the most menial tasks. Eh, work is work I guess… Anyway, I finally managed to have a conversation with Harry Potter and after a bit of waffling, convinced him to bond with me. I know that I stretched the truth about how 'if an elf doesn't bond with a family then they lose their magics and die.' Not exactly how it works but I did get him to bond with me. Funny thing was, Harry Potter messed up the wording of the incantation! He was supposed to bond with me as my Master but he used the phrase 'Friend and Family.' I don't know why that made such a difference but my magic has never been stronger! It's almost like I drank a bucket of Butterbeer, everything seems so bright and vibrant!'**_

"That would explain why he seemed like he was on a sugar rush every time we interacted," Harry thought pensively, "I wonder if that would work on other elves?"

Hermione called up to him just then reminding Harry that lunch was being served and if he wanted any of it, he better get his butt moving. Grabbing the last journal in the stack, he curiously flipped to the end.

 _ **'March 1998, Just got word from Aberforth Dumbledore that Harry and his friends are stuck in the basement of Malfoy Manor. I know what I need to do but I'm terrified! My former master set up the wards to prevent me from returning so I must use every last bit of my magic to bull my way through. I may not make it out but if that should come to pass then I know I go to my death a free elf and friend of Harry Potter. May my soul rest easy in the Garden of Landrace.'**_

Sniffling through the tears, Harry got up and took the last journal with him so he could share it with Hermione. He sat heavily on the chair in front of the dining room table and slid the journal open to the relevant page. Hermione read it silently, tears forming in the corner of her eyes as she looked back up at him.

"In his first entry, Dobby mentioned that Draco's comic book heroes wore capes. I think that quote ought to be modified a bit."

"To what?"

"Not all heroes wear capes, some wear pillowcases."


	4. Kaleidoscope of Chaos

**Kaleidoscope of Chaos**

Premise: What sort of mayhem could the Weasley twins create if they had stumbled upon the leftover Polyjuice potion that Hermione had brewed and left behind when she was escorted to the Infirmary after the ill-fated information gathering attempt during the Chamber of Secrets crisis?

No Pairings, AU.

 **/O/**

 **As Albus Dumbledore:**

They enter the Ministry and announce 'his' retirement from both the Chief Warlock and ICW Supreme Mugwump positions.

They start hustling the Minister and call him all sort of rude names.

Spotting Rita Skeeter, they sit down with her and 'spill the beans' of all the sordid secret details and behind-the-scenes shenanigans of students and staff.

 **/O/**

 **As Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge:**

They hold a press conference stating that 'he'd' like to see his Under-Secretary take part in a bikini mud-wrestling competition.

During said conference, 'he' makes it known that an evening with Narcissa Malfoy's exquisite bum would really make his day and that he'd take out a full-page advertisement in the Daily Prophet describing said evening as soon as possible.

'Fudge' finishes out the conference by thanking Lucius Malfoy for the latest deposit of bribes…er, 'campaign contributions' of one hundred thousand Galleons and thinks that Lucius' idea of transferring Delores Umbridge to a remote station in the Amazon would be a wonderful opportunity should she lose in the mud-wrestling competition.

 **/O/**

 **As Minerva McGonagall:**

The twins take the form of both McGonagall and Snape and are spotted ducking into the closest broom cupboard.

'She' proceeds to slap Albus Dumbledore silly for being a general nitwit.

'She' takes out a full-page advertisement in the Daily Prophet and proclaims to be Harry Potter's grandmother and that he would never return to those horrid muggles no matter how much Albus whines.

 **/O/**

 **As Lucius Malfoy:**

Announces to the wizarding public that he's in a torrid love affair with Severus Snape.

Announces a new line of hair care products designed to give you that 'fresh from the courtroom proclaiming to be Imperioused' look.

Declares that muggles and muggleborns have some pretty cool ideas on how to improve their society.

 **/O/**

 **As Madam Poppy Pomfrey:**

Declares Albus to be incompetent and unable to effectively be Headmaster. Issues a Medical Directive to strip Albus of his titles and be remanded to the long-term care and custody of Saint Mungo's.

Announces that Minerva McGonagall to be 'one hot pussycat.'

Publicly gets high from some of Professor Sprout's 'secret garden' plants.

 **/O/**

 **As Severus Snape:**

Declares that being the Head of Slytherin House was one of the most idiotic decisions he ever made.

Assigns detention to Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle for being dumb AND ugly.

Assigns detention to Draco Malfoy for being a mindless clone of his father and thinks that he should've been sorted into Gryffindor.

Starts brewing psychedelic potions designed to help 'those stuffed shirt Slytherins get their groove on.'

Is spotted in the Grand Hallway doing a series of wild muggle dances simply because 'sometimes you feel like shaking your money-maker.'

 **/O/**

 **As Ron Weasley:**

Publicly declares that for all of his bluster and diatribe against Slytherins, he secretly wishes he could've been a part of that House and that Draco Malfoy looks absolutely smashing in Acromantula silk.

Announces that he really thinks that Harry Potter would make a better friend and mate for Hermione Granger than he.

Declares that he believes that the girls of the school ought to be flocking to him since he's gonna be 'a world-famous Quidditch star one day' despite the fact that he's so lazy he makes the 'Dense Duo' look like geniuses.

The only reason why he puts up with the 'bossy, know-it-all' Hermione Granger and Harry Potter is for her to do his homework for him and for Harry to share his family fortune with him.

 **/O/**

 **As Delores Umbridge:**

Announces that it is true that one of her parents is actually a toad.

Decrees that 'Fudge Flies' are an acceptable gift for the holidays.

Openly states that she chose the color pink as a way to mask her incredible ugliness.

Agrees with the generally held belief that muggleborns are the future of the magical world and that she wishes she had their talents.


	5. By the Hand of the Other

**By the Hand of the Other**

Premise: Harry learns about the DADA Curse and the supposed back-story on how it was created then deals with it.

No Pairings, AU

 **/O/**

"Professor Quirrel? You got a moment?"

"Mr. Potter? Yes, come in. How can I help you?"

Harry shuffled into the DADA classroom and took a seat near the professor's desk. He had a thoughtful look on his face and hesitated before finally speaking.

"I just learned about the supposed curse that is attached to the DADA professorship. Aren't you worried about what might befall you by the end of the year?"

Quirrel just snorted in amusement, "No, Mr. Potter. The curse is nothing more than a belief in a rumor. Pay it no mind."

Harry's eyebrow quirked, "So if a friend of mine were to discover for example a set of runes on the stone face over the doorway there and another set on the contract you had to sign before the year started _plus_ a power set on the school's Wardstone, it would be nothing more than just a rumor?"

Quirrel's face took on a definite shade of green as Harry was describing his 'supposed' discoveries.

"Why would you ask such a thing, Mr. Potter?"

Harry shrugged, "It's just that according to that _'rumor,'_ the only way for the curse to be broken is for the Dark Lord to actually be the professor for this class. After all, the curse was originally laid down because Headmaster Dumbledore denied him the position back in 1957, right before his rise to infamy."

"On top of that, there's a rumor that you're not all who you say you are."

That got Quirrel's full and undivided attention.

"Care to explain that accusation?" Quirrel's voice had an edge to it now.

"We met before when I was taken to Diagon Alley by Hagrid to get my stuff for the first time. Back then, you weren't wearing the turban, you were nervous about being in public and you had a bit of a stutter. Nowadays, the turban is present, the stutter is completely gone and you're no longer afraid of your own shadow. Finally, there's the heavy smell of garlic which according to the medical books is indicative of a spectral possession."

Harry's eyes narrowed and got a hard gleam to them, "So I'm going to ask you straight up 'professor,' are you or are you not actually the Dark Lord in disguise?"

The room was dead silent as the two opponents faced off of each other. All that was needed was a blowing tumbleweed to finish off the scene.

Quirrel finally broke eye contact and snorted, "Yes, Potter. It's true. I am the Dark Lord Voldemort. I met young Quirrel while he was on a sabbatical from this school in the dark forests of Albania. When he failed to retrieve something I desired from the vaults in Gringott's, I knew that I would need to take a more…personal hand."

Harry was quiet for a moment, "So you can categorically confirm that you used your own signature on the teacher's contract and made the declaration that you, Lord Voldemort are the DADA professor?"

"I did. I have finally achieved what I set out to accomplish all those years ago."

Just then there was a deep rumble seemingly coming from the depths of the school right before an almighty explosion of magical energy was released in the classroom. When the smoke and bits of debris settled, Harry and the Dark Lord were no longer the only two in the room. There was now a team of hooded people aiming their wands at Voldemort.

Looking around in panic, Voldemort exclaimed, "What is the meaning of this, Potter?"

Harry calmly got up and walked towards to one window. With a knowing smirk on his face and a calm voice, he turned back to his family's adversary.

"You learn such interesting things when looking for the truth. For example, did you know there was a prophecy spoken about the two of us? The specific wording is not necessary for you to know right now but in essence, one of us has to die by the hand of the other. Just this morning, I signed the executive order with the Unspeakables of the Department of Mysteries to have you rounded up and dealt with permanently."

Lord Voldemort heard a whispered incantation then nothing…


	6. Shave and a haircut, two bits

**Shave and a haircut, two bits**

Premise: As a morale booster during Harry's 5th year, he comes up with a daring plot to help everyone study for their exams as well as poke a little fun at the Headmaster.

No pairings. AU

* * *

"Professor Umbridge?"

The ugly, squat toad-like woman looked up from the papers she was supposedly grading and frowned when she spotted who it was that spoke up in her class.

"What do you want Mr. Potter?"

"Well, I need to speak with you after class about an idea I had."

An eyebrow rose in response.

"Well…why don't you share with the class? I'm sure we'd _all_ be very interested in what kind of idea you came up," she said in a girlish voice that fooled no one.

Harry took and released a deep breath, "I was thinking of a morale booster for the coming year. Something that will entice everyone to concentrate on his or her studies and less time being…mischievous."

That got her attention as well as the other students in the room. Motioning with her hand to continue, Harry gave her the outline of his plan.

"It's quite simple really. If everyone were to study their hardest and best, by the time that the mid-term exams came around and if everyone got an Exceeds Expectation average across the entire school…a randomly picked student would get to shave Hagrid."

There were snorts of amusement coming from the Slytherins and a couple of the Gryffindors.

Emboldened that she hadn't shut him down he finished off his idea, "Now for the end of the term exams held in June, if everyone got an Outstanding average across the entire school, another randomly selected student would get to shave…Albus Dumbledore."

Whispers of muted excitement spread through the room despite the quelling glare from the teacher.

"Hem, hem. What would be the purpose of this plan other than the supposed 'morale booster?'"

Harry shot back a bit of a grin, "Well, I thought that perhaps someone could take pictures and write up a story to go along with it and publish it in the _Daily Prophet_. Everyone knows that Dumbledore is inordinately proud of his beard and that it makes him resemble Merlin, so I thought that with a bit of spin, we could put out a humorous slant on his public embarrassment."

The toad woman let a wide, evil grin form on her face, "I'm rather surprised at you Mr. Potter. I would've thought that you'd do or say anything to help prop up that image that the Headmaster has cultivated for himself."

Waving a hand nonchalantly, "It's actually the reverse, I despise the man. He likes to play chess master with everyone and everything and doesn't care that it's people's lives that are being affected. My own past is evidence of that."

"Oh?"

Harry nodded morosely but refused to divulge anything else.

Draco Malfoy asked an important question in the silence after Harry's declaration about the Headmaster, "What about those students who are taking their OWLs and NEWTs? Would they fall into the same rules in this endeavor?"

Harry thought for a moment before shaking his head, "For the finals, no. Those tests affect the rest of our lives. We'd only be concerned with the mid-terms."

That evening at dinner, Harry stood up and addressed the school. He outlined the idea to shave Hagrid as a reward for passing the midterms with an Exceeds Expectations. The man in question had no problem with it and actually thought it'd be a hoot to take part in. The assembled students and staff were overjoyed and made it known in raucous style.

Harry waited until they calmed down before dropping his bombshell. When he outlined what he had in mind for the finals, the school went crazy. He raised his hands in a vain attempt to get everyone to quiet down for the last bit of news.

"Now here's the _real_ fun part of this whole thing. It's one thing if we get to shave Hagrid or the Headmaster then write home about it. It's entirely different if on the two days that we reap our reward if we invite a reporter and photographer from the _Daily Prophet_ to record our success."

Pandemonium. Students were cheering and jeering based on their views. The look on the faces of Albus and Hagrid were polar opposites. Hagrid was all for it and amused while Dumbledore was frowning in contemplation. _'This is not how I feel the 'Chosen One' should be acting. It's too cunning.'_

Minerva spotted the frown on Dumbledore's face and nudged his arm, "Let it be Albus. Let the bairn have a bit of fun. You know what kind of stress the students are under for their OWLs and NEWTs. This'll be good for them and the school."

* * *

 **Results of the Midterm Exams**

The school had experienced a rise in studying the likes of which had never been seen ever before. It had even gotten to the point where the Library had to have extended hours to handle the influx of students. Seating was limited to 3 hours per day for each student. It was fortunate for the rest of the school that the Ravenclaws had their own library up in their House's Common Room and therefore weren't taking up very much room elsewhere.

When the results came in, everyone was waiting on baited breath.

Minerva stood up and addressed everyone that night at dinner, "I just wanted to first say that I'm impressed and proud of every single one of you to take this challenge and run with it. Now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Gryffindor House…Exceeds Expectations (Loud cheers), Ravenclaw House…Outstanding (No surprise there but still everyone applauded), Hufflepuff House…Exceeds Expectations (More applause and some cheers), and finally Slytherin House…Exceeds Expectations (Loud cheering from the younger year and polite clapping from the older students). Individual results will be posted in your Common Rooms this weekend."

So the very next day during lunch, Hagrid found himself sitting in an enlarged chair with a 4th year Slytherin standing on a raised platform next to him. An application of a shaving charm, a quick photo from Colin Creevey and a story written by Harry himself, outlining the story behind it.

The next morning's edition of the _Daily Prophet_ ran the story on the front page to great acclaim by the parents and the Ministry.

* * *

 **Results of the Final Exams**

There was no doubt in anyone's mind as the end of the year Leaving Feast would be a memorable one. The 5th and 7th year students were exempt from the proceedings but everyone else continued their hard work and were eagerly awaiting the results. On top of that, the Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge along with the Board of Governors and a couple of reporters and photographers from the _Daily Prophet_ were in attendance to witness the 'Shaving of Albus Dumbledore.'

In recognition for coming up with the idea as well as being 'The-Boy-Who-Lived,' Harry was given the honor to un-beard the Headmaster.

Albus sat in his chair that was set up at the top of the dais in front of the High Table; a bit nervous but refraining from showing it. Harry stepped up and turned to address the crowd.

"I just wanted to welcome our guests to this momentous event. It heartens me that even the Minister for Magic and the Board of Governors can display a humorous side even in these darkening days."

He turned back and faced the man who'd made his life a living hell, "Wow, Headmaster. I hope I can do this properly. My hands are shaking from nervousness…"

Albus' eyes widened as Harry leaned in.


	7. If that's all it takes

**If that's all it takes**

Premise: In many stories we learn that arranged a child's magical guardian could write marriage contracts even without the child being aware of it prior. What sort of mayhem could Harry and the Weasley twins create when they learn of this?

No Pairings. AU Set during 5th year. Gryffindor Harry. **(If anyone has a better wording for the contract, please let me know where I can find it or if I can copy it.)**

 **/O/**

"Whatcha got there, Harry?" came the sound of a stereo voice. Harry looked up and spotted the Weasley twins looking at him curiously and the stack of books he had pulled from the Library.

"I just learned something horrible that Dumbledore in his infinite stupidity decided not to inform me about. According to my account manager at Gringott's, who by the way I just learned that I have one, I'm to be married off to someone when I reach my majority."

"Ouch. Who's the lucky girl?" asked Fred ( _George?)_

"Your sister. I have no idea why though, it's not like we have much in common outside of Quidditch and the fact I saved her life back in my second year."

Two sets of red eyebrows shot up in shock, George ( _Fred?)_ then asked the important question, "Who set it up?"

Harry just grunted, "The Headmaster and your mother. I saw a copy of the contract and she signed it as Molly Prewett. I'm guessing that's her maiden name?" Both twins grimaced and nodded.

"That stinks, Harry. Do you know when the contract was signed?"

"Three weeks after I was dumped at the Dursley's."

Fred and George's mouths dropped open as they glanced at each other, "Ginny was what? All of about 3 months old? How could she?"

Harry held up a hand and got their attention, "Based on the wording of the contract, it's my belief that Dumbledore was the one who wrote said contract and merely coerced your mother into signing it. Probably some kind of Confundus charm as it's got a bunch of legalese that no ordinary witch or wizard could ever hope to understand."

"Maybe we can get dad to void it on his end as he's Head of House Weasley and we're pretty sure that whatever she does reflects on him."

Pointing to the books, one of the twins inquired what Harry was hoping for.

"I'm hoping that there's a way to break the contract without either guardian knowing about it or at the very least knowing what my options are. The more I read though it seems hopeless. At least your sister is a nice person…"

 **/O/**

Four hours later, Harry slid into a chair opposite of the twins, "Boys, I've discovered something interesting. How'd you like to pull one over on Dumbledore?"

Twin grins appeared on their faces, "What'd you have in mind?"

Harry removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before replying, "According to my research, the only requirement a person has to become a magical guardian over another is to take a modified version of an Unbreakable Oath. I propose that we make ourselves guardians of both Dumbledore and another person then write a unbreakable contract using blood."

Those twin grins grew wider and more evil, "Who'd you propose to have him marry?"

"Umbridge."

 **/O/**

Elsewhere in the castle, Albus Dumbledore was sitting at his desk when an unholy shiver came over him. He glanced up worriedly at the myriad of monitors and tracking devices but they weren't registering anything.

 **/O/**

"Okay you two, I think we have the best we can come up all things considering," stated Harry.

Hermione Granger had been drafted into this plot as she had the best analytical mind of anyone in the school and because she was appalled that this sort of thing was still used. She picked up the contract and began to read:

 **Betrothal Contract**

 **1** **st** **Member:** Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

 **2** **nd** **Member:** Delores Jane Umbridge

 _ **We the sworn magical guardians of the above do hereby swear that our charges are of good magical standing within the community. In order to form a stable union, each of the above members must uphold the laws of Magical Britain to the best of their ability.**_

 _ **Under penalty of loss of magic by the contracted members as written above, the following conditions must be met:**_

 _ **1) Both parties involved must be free of coercion or other mind magics.**_

 _ **2) Both must not be involved in a prior contract with anyone else.**_

 _ **3) The magical guardians of the 1**_ _ **st**_ _ **Member must pay to the magical guardians of the 2**_ _ **nd**_ _ **no more than One (1) Galleon no later than One (1) month after this contract takes effect.**_

 _ **4) The 2**_ _ **nd**_ _ **Member must have obtained an Exceeds Expectations or greater in all subjects covered in the NEWTs.**_

 _ **5) Both parties must be confirmed as being virgins.**_

 _ **6) Both parties must submit to a Veritiserum induced interview with the Director of the Magical Law Enforcement within three (3) weeks from the signing of this contract so as to cover any past transgressions of a Misdemeanor level or greater. If any of the above is found, the contract shall be voided and the guilty party shall be stripped of their magic and tried in a court of law.**_

 _ **7) A male child must be produced within 12 months of the signing of the contract.**_

 _ **This contract shall be not be voided by anyone other than the sworn magical guardians of both parties. In order to prevent coercion, both sets of magical guardians must be certified free of mind magics, potions or charms by the Healers of Gringott's, London.**_

 _ **Signed: Witness:**_

 _ **Signed: Witness:**_

 _ **Date: Tuesday 6 February 1996**_

 **/O/**

Hermione was grinning evilly by the time she finished reading. She glanced up at Harry and the twins then nodded her approval.

"Good job, you three. I look forward to seeing what sort of mayhem you can create with this. Who else were you planning on using this on?"

Harry chuckled, "Haven't really thought that far ahead though it does open a huge range of possibilities. According to the research, the second party doesn't even need to be human or even alive. Heck, we could probably write up a contract that marries Ron off to a mop!" That got the twins to laugh uproariously. One of them quickly grabbed a fresh sheet of parchment and a quill then began writing down possibilities.

 **/O/**

In the meantime, Hermione officiated the swearing of the Magical Guardianship Oath between Harry and the twins. Harry then handed over a single Galleon to seal the deal as written. Then all three signed where required. Once that was done, there was a dual flash of light. Almost immediately, the contract flashed again and the black lettering turned red signaling a violation. On the reverse, they read the details from each violation. From the looks of things, both would be serving multiple life sentences in Azkaban if not just being outright thrown through the Veil of Death.

Hermione's eyes widened what she was reading, "Wow, I had no idea about half of what's written here. I now have to wonder just how much Dumbledore paid Bathilda Bagshot to gloss over his indiscretions and paint him in a better light?"

Just then everyone felt a violent rumbling emanating from the very foundations of the school. Harry glanced over at Hermione who replied that the school's wards were being switched to someone else, probably to the Deputy Headmistress.

"Well, this should be interesting," commented one twin.

"Indeed, brother of mine. Shall we go and investigate?" replied the other.

 **/O/**

As it turned out, both Dumbledore and Umbridge lost their magics as they were deemed to be in gross violation of the conditions set forth in the contract. Dumbledore had slipped on the stairs coming from his office, broken his neck and died on the spot. Umbridge had been using the Floo to contact the Minister when her magic gave out. Due to the vagaries of the Floo Network, the system determined her to be a non-magical and cut the connection. Her head rolled to a stop at the minister's feet…

Pulling back from the gathered crowd investigating the sight of a dead headmaster, Harry turned to the twins and said, "Who's next?"


	8. There Will Be No Foolish Wand Waving

**There will be no foolish wand waving**

Premise: Petunia Evans always wanted to be just like Lily. The thought of learning magic would make her giddy with excitement. But as it turned out, the rejection letter from the headmaster of Hogwarts blew that dream out the window. What would've happened if the wife of the bookstore owner of Flourish and Blott's had taken a bit of pity and shown her that you didn't need a wand to do magic?

No Pairings. AU, starts during the summer of 1971.

 **/O/**

"Petunia! Talk to me, I'm still your sister! What did I do to make you angry at me?" a tearful Lily Evans pleaded to her big sister.

With a huff of annoyance, Petunia Evans turned back to her younger sister and the tightness in her shoulders loosened a bit.

Sighing, "Nothing, Lily. _You_ didn't do anything and I'm sorry for being such a grump. It's that headmaster of that school you're going to. He sent me a rejection letter saying that while my interest in attending the school was a pleasant thought, being non-magical or a 'muggle' as he called me, wouldn't allow me to fully experience their world."

"S-so you're not mad at me, just the magical world?"

Shaking her head no and smirking sadly at the second half of the question caused her little sister to break out in smiles once again. The two sisters entered the bookstore called 'Flourish and Blott's' on a hidden street called 'Diagon Alley.'

"You realize how silly the name of this alley sounds, Lily?"

"Ummm…no?"

"Diagon Alley? Diagonally?"

Lily's eyes widen and a snort of amusement escaped her nose. The two of them shook their heads at the craziness that Lily would be joining and entered the shop. Rows upon rows of books, as far as the eye could see lined the shelves just waiting to be picked up, read and learned from.

With a squeal of happiness, Lily rushed in and headed up to the desk to find out where the first year textbooks would be located. Petunia on the other hand, morosely browsed some of the titles near the cashier machine.

"Something the matter dear?" Petunia looked up to see the shopkeeper's wife looking at her with a sympathizing smile on her face.

"I can't go to Hogwarts like my sister. I don't have magic apparently."

"Oh pish! There are plenty of other things to read that will still allow you to practice magic…just without the wand waving."

The look of hope crept into Petunia's eyes, "Really? Like what? How would I be able to study them without needing a school and a teacher?"

Waving her over, the missus whispered in a conspiratorial way, "You just need to write to the Ministry and explain that you will be home-schooled and need the corresponding information packet. Mention that you are a 'hedge-witch' and that you won't be able to take the usual wanded courses and need the abbreviated curriculum."

"What's a hedge-witch?"

"That's someone whose magic is just powerful enough to allow them to see the magical parts of Britain but unable to wield a wand. Nothing to be ashamed my dear, I'm one as well."

"What sorts of subjects are there for someone like us?"

Waving her arm about her the missus gestured about the store, "Just about any topic you can think of and even some you can't. Business, Law, Muggle Studies, Arithmancy, even Potions and that's just off the top of my head."

"With enough study, you could earn a Mastery in just about any topic. Best of all, once you pass the basic courses outlined in the abbreviated curriculum, you can specialize in things that catch your fancy. Myself, I took Business courses so I could help my husband run this bookstore."

Petunia's eyes widened as she realized that while her magical schooling wouldn't be in a fancy castle in the Scottish Highlands, she could 'attend' her classes in her pajamas while enjoying all of the modern non-magical comforts. _'Lily's gonna freak out when she learns about this!'_

 **/O/**

Sure enough, Lily was excited about Petunia's prospects and opportunities to learn the non-wand subjects. The silliness of wearing pajamas to 'magic class' made her laugh but she eventually accepted it. Petunia wrote to the Ministry for Magic's Department of Education and requested the curriculum that Mrs. Flourish had suggested. A week before the start of the new school year, a witch from said department arrived at the Evans' house to introduce herself as Petunia's proxy and to give her the first of her assigned materials and lessons.

 **/O/**

 **June 1977**

Lily Evans with her boyfriend James Potter and his three friends, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew sat in witness as Petunia stepped up to the platform to receive her diploma from the Head of the Department of Education. Petunia had passed her OWLs and then her NEWTs with near straight Outstandings and only a couple of high level Exceeds Expectations. She had even received several distinction notices in subjects like Herbology, Potions and International Law.

Once back amongst her sister and her friends, Petunia kept glancing happily at her diploma.

Lily piped up at that moment bringing her back to reality, "So what's next Tuni? You going to continue to get a Mastery in something?"

"Haven't really decided but I'm leaning towards the Muggle Liaison Office. After all, _someone_ who is knowledgeable of both worlds needs to keep you clueless magicals in line." Petunia snarked back as she playfully shoved her sister's shoulder.

 **/O/**

 **1 November 1981**

It was early morning and Petunia stepped out onto the porch to retrieve the morning paper and the milk from the stand. The day's planned activities barely percolating through her sleep-addled mind as she bent over to pick up the bottle, she spotted the basket with a lumpy blanket in it just inches away.

' _My god, who would leave that here of all places? Must be a magical to do something so stupid,'_ she thought to herself as she unwrapped the bundle within. She saw to her horror a mop of messy black hair, a scar upon an infant forehead and a chubby hand clutching a parchment letter.


	9. Oh, uh wow

**Oh, uh…wow.**

Premise: Tired of Dumbledore's manipulations in his life, Harry and Hermione decide to blow off a little steam by writing down a list of all sorts of creative punishments for the old goat. As a joke, they decide to bundle up their list and send it to a very special someone.

Harry and Hermione, AU. Set during 6th year. Gryffindor House

* * *

"You sure about this, Hermione?"

Sighing exasperatedly at her boyfriend, Hermione gave him the gimlet eye, "Yes, Harry. We've been over this and you've read the book yourself. It'll help with your anger management lessons. Now, how far have you gotten?"

Harry glanced down at his rather short list, "Not as far as I though I'd get."

Sighing once more Hermione took his list and read through them before tossing it aside and grabbing a new roll of parchment and a quill.

"Then let's do this together and use each other as a sounding board."

The two 6th year Gryffindors stayed up late coming up with ever more increasingly creative punishments to use against the manipulative old goat known as Albus Dumbledore.

* * *

The next morning, Neville found the two of them snuggled together on the couch in front of the now cold fireplace. He saw the look of contentment on Harry's face and was loathe to disturb the messy haired boy. _'Merlin knows that he could use a decent night's sleep and in the comforting arms of his girlfriend.'_

Neville noticed a roll of parchment sitting neatly on the coffee table in front of the couch and in curiosity, opened it. What he read made his eyes nearly drop out of his head and his mouth drop open:

 **101 Ways of Exacting Revenge Against The Old Goat Known As Albus Dumbledore**

1) Have the elves charm his office door so that instead of opening to the hallway, it exits out to the school's cesspool.

2) Charm his shoes to squeak as he walks.

3) Lace those Lemon Drops of his with a laxative.

4) Change the password to his office without his knowledge.

5) Wire his 'throne' in the Great Hall to give him strong electric shocks every time he sits down.

6) Install a cricket chirping sound spell somewhere in his office.

7) Install a motion sensing alarm in his office that triggers an air-raid siren to sound off.

8) Inject a color-changing potion into his shampoo.

9) Write out an arrest warrant for crimes against fashion and have it published in the _Daily Prophet._

10) Use a aerosol mister in his office to lace the air with a mild Veritiserum then invite the Director of Magical Law Enforcement to his office for a 'chat.'

11) Use a Whoopee Cushion filled with gravy under the seat for his 'throne' in the Great Hall.

12) Get a hold of his spectacles and recharm them so he can't see people or things in _front_ of him, only things or people _behind_ him.

The list continued and Neville let out a couple of quiet chuckles at the funnier ones and groaned at the lame-ish ones. He wondered what the Weasley twins would've done if they were here to help with the creation. _'Something terrifying, no doubt.'_ Noticing that both Harry and Hermione were starting to stir, he placed the parchment roll back on the table and left the Common Room.

* * *

 _ **Later that week…**_

"You've gotta be joking! Did you really send that list of yours to… _Him? Voldemort?_ " asked a shocked Neville.

Harry grinned while Hermione snorted with laughter, "Yup and not only did we send that list to Voldemort but he actually sent it _back_ with some additions for it as well. Some were frankly disgusting or impossible but we included them in. The Dark Wanker even wrote us a note staying that he was impressed by the dissension between the Headmaster and I and the creative methods I was utilizing to, as Hermione described it, 'blow off steam.'"

"Wow…just, wow!" exclaimed Neville.

"I know, right?" Hermione agreed.

"So…what were some of the ones that the Dark Lord came up with?"

"Um, let's see…"

 **Add-ons to 'The List'** **(LV = Lord Voldemort), (BL = Bellatrix Lestrange), (LM = Lucius Malfoy)**

1) Boil him alive in a vat of flobberworm mucus. (BL)

2) Contract with the Goblins to run a full audit on your personal vault and charge the fees to Dumbledore's account. (LM)

3) Get his brother, Aberforth, to announce all of Albus' dirty secrets to the _Daily Prophet_. (LV)

4) Drop him in a hole and cover him up to his neck with Incan Fire Ants. (BL)

5) Charm his eyes to make him believe that everything is farther away than normal. (LV)

6) Spell all his clothes to look normal to him but ballerina costumes to everyone else. (LM)

7) Fire him out of a cannon. Points given for distance traveled, impact effects (i.e. Blood splatters, limbs breaking away, brain oozing, etc.) (LV, BL)

8) Cover him with barbeque sauce and drop him into a pit of Inferi. (BL)

9) Bind his magic down and force him to live as a Squib. (LV, LM)

10) Break both arms, bind them against his body then use a Permanent Sticking Charm on a blindfold before applying it to his face. Put him in a rubber raft and drop him in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. (LV)

"There were others but these were the funniest. Some were so disgusting that I still shudder at what I read," quipped Hermione, "He also mentioned that he and his inner circle were having a grand time discussing this and coming up with ideas. Even offered to kidnap the old goat just to try some of these items on him before sending Dumbledore off to his "Next Great Adventure."


	10. Those Infernal Lemon Drops

**Those Infernal Lemon Drops**

Premise (One Shot): Set during fifth year, Harry's figured out where Dumbledore gets his supply of lemon drops from and when they're usually delivered. He conspires with the aid of the Weasley Twins to create "additives" to the original recipe in retaliation for the Headmaster's insistence of ignoring the messy haired boy during the most difficult time of his young life between a sadistic and incompetent DADA teacher (Umbridge), the upcoming OWL tests, his frequent visions of what Voldemort is up to, etc.

AU. No pairings. Fifth year at Hogwarts.

* * *

"Hey, Gred? Forge? You got a minute?"

The Weasley Twins looked up and spotted Harry leaning up against the door to their dorm room.

"Sure, Harry. What's up?"

Harry sniffed and let an evil looking smirk grow on his face while a mischievous twinkle appeared in his eyes, "I had an idea for a prank against the Holy Grail of targets, Dumbledore himself."

That got the twins' attention, to date no one had been able to successfully prank the headmaster. Waving Harry further into their room, George pulled out a chair.

"What sort of nefarious plot do you have rattling around in that mind of yours, Harrykins?"

"You know those lemon drops he's so fond of? What if you were to find out when and where they were delivered from? Then once you found out such information, alter the recipe of said drops?"

Equal mischievous twin grins grew on Fred and George's faces.

"Oh? Pray tell, young Harry?"

Harry leaned back smugly in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, "I found out that he gets them from a muggle candy company based in London. Should be a doddle to get down there and tamper with them before they're shipped up to him. I was thinking that we could add some potions to make him experience…alternate realities to the usual tart treats." Harry then reached into his pocket and pulled out a list of ideas and handed it over, "Everyone here knows that you two are the most talented potioneers outside of Snape so these shouldn't be a problem. Everything marked with an "M" are muggle products that could be picked up from any muggle pharmacy."

Looking over the list, the twins' eyes widen then turned back to the smirking raven-haired teen.

"Why do you want to do this, Harry? Something troubling you about our 'illustrious' leader of the light?"

Harry snorted, "Where do I begin? First, he's left me at my aunt and uncle's place all summer and all the years before that when he _knew_ what they're like. Then, he's been ignoring me all year as opposed to the first five years here. Plus, we got Umbridge and I'm pretty sure that Dumbledore could easily step in and curtail some of her more sadistic tendencies yet chooses not to."

The twins glanced at each other and communicated briefly in their patented 'Twin-speak' before turning back and promising Harry to leave to them and they'd handle everything.

* * *

 _ **Over the next several months…**_

Albus Dumbledore had been having a rather difficult year. First were the complaints from the students and staff regarding the arrival of Delores Umbridge and her rather draconian methodology of punishments plus her incompetence of teaching. Yes, usage of a Blood Quill was severe and illegal to use outside of special contracts within Gringott's but it did have the unintended benefit of identifying those students whom might present a problem later in life if they went against his plans for the Greater Good.

Then after he received his latest shipment of lemon drops, things and events took a turn for the…unusual. For the first part, the last shipment of his favorite treats came in a bit later than normal. That first week he experienced the rather embarrassing repeating episode of explosive and rather… _messy_ flatulence at inopportune times.

The next week he started experiencing hallucinations of a rather disturbing vision. He kept seeing glimpses of Tom Riddle aka Voldemort amongst the students and staff. Yet, when he went to investigate closer, the wraith disappeared into the crowd. Another hallucination was that of his long-dead sister who would appear in his office or his apartment and accuse him of being her murderer.

Then there was the occurrence where his hair and beard started falling out in clumps. At first, he attributed that to the amount of stress from not only running the school but also coordinating the fight against Voldemort and the Ministry. It had gotten to the point where his glorious beard was just stubble on his chin and even then what did grow was dirty, stringy and straggly. Then mysteriously it cleared up a week later.

The most recent problem arose when he arrived at dinner and couldn't for the life of him explain why every question posed to him, he felt compelled to answer completely and truthfully. The questions grew more and more revealing as those around him started probing deeper into areas best left alone.

' _Maybe I ought to seek out Poppy for assistance? Now if only I could remember where the Infirmary was…ooh, look! Shiny!'_

* * *

 _ **In Hogwarts' Infirmary…**_

"Well, Poppy? Any reason why he decided to stop in and get checked out without the need for someone to drag his carcass in chains?" Amelia Bones, Director of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement asked the Medi-Witch, "And also why it was necessary for me to get called in?"

The worried look on Poppy's face promised an interesting response, "He'd been potioned with a variety of draughts, concoctions and other manner of reaction inducing ingredients, some of which I'd never seen before."

Amelia's eyebrow quirked up, "What sort of reactions?"

Poppy handed over a list of things she'd discovered:

 _ **1) A strong laxative.**_

 _ **2) Veritiserum**_

 _ **3) LSD**_

 _ **4) Befuddlement Draught**_

 _ **5) Calming Draught**_

 _ **6) Confusing Concoction**_

 _ **7) Cannabis**_

 _ **8) Nicotine extract**_

 _ **9) Amortentia**_

 _ **10) A strong Loyalty draught**_

 _ **11) A strong Numbing concoction**_

 _ **12) Unknown substance**_

"It's that last one that concerns me the most. I've never seen such a confusing blend of ingredients. I think it may be an original creation," Poppy mentioned.

"What does it do?"

"Well…I can't really pin it down. It seems to morph and change the longer it's in his system. It reacts almost like its alive."

Amelia was internally impressed. Whoever did this definitely had some grudge against the headmaster. The list of persons who would have such a grudge was very long; Albus did not endear himself to many people who didn't buy into his vision for the magical world.

* * *

 _ **The next morning…**_

Albus woke up surprisingly refreshed and alert. He sat up in bed and looked around, confused as to why he was in the Infirmary. He spotted his glasses and wand laying on the night table along with a folded note. Curious, he put on his glasses and opened the note to read:

 _Dear Headmaster,_

 _Everything that you've experienced for the past few months is the direct result for your interference in my life and those of my family and friends. I hope you'll take the time to reflect on what has happened and learn from the experience. In the beginning, it was merely a prank but after your refusal to deal with Umbridge, the punishments began. They will restart unless you get rid of the Ministry Toad. I'm tired of being ostracized and vilified by the general population._

 _Remember, I can get to you when and where you least expect it._

 _A Hogwarts' student._

A chill settled into his bones and very soul…


	11. What is it about the Moon?

**What is it about the Moon?**

Set during 3rd year in November. Harry and Hermione are in Gryffindor. Story starts off in the Great Library.

* * *

"Hey, Hermione? You finish that essay Snape set for Defense?"

Hermione looked up at the sound of her name and spotted her boyfriend, Harry as he approached her desk with his textbooks in hand.

"Mm-hmm, I finished it about an hour ago. Why?"

Harry plopped down in the empty chair next to her and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Well, I had some questions about the material but I can't find any answers in the books."

Puzzled, she motioned for him to hand over what he had written so she could review them. After a few quiet moments, she put down his essay and gestured for his notes.

"What sort of questions did you have? Everything here seems to be just fine outside of the incomprehensible chicken scratch you call writing."

Harry just snorted and gave a mock glare before pointing to a list of questions he'd scratched out.

"It's this, I don't know if maybe it's because I'm muggle raised but some of the environmental questions that arose that no one's seemed to have answered. Questions like: 'What happens when there's a full moon during the day?' 'What happens when it's raining or overcast?' 'If it's just the moonlight that triggers the transformation, why doesn't the sunlight trigger it since moonlight is just reflected sunlight?' Those sort of things."

Hermione's eyes grew wider for every question that Harry brought up. Her hands began to quiver like they usually did when she became excited over the possibility of a new research project.

Harry let out another sigh of frustration and closed his eyes, which focused her attention back to him. She patiently stroked his arm and shoulders, knowing that when he got like this all she had to do was wait a few quiet moments.

Finally nodding to himself and taking a deep breath, Harry opened his eyes and suggested to Hermione that they go straight to their best source of werewolf information. She gazed into his emerald green eyes and cocked her head in silent question.

"Professor Lupin. I know why Snape assigned the essay; it's because he wanted to 'out' Professor Lupin as being a werewolf. It's dirty and underhanded but about what I've come to expect from the creep. I propose that we go speak with Professor Lupin and ask him directly about these questions," Harry replied with a determined air.

* * *

The two students quietly entered the hospital wing and crept up to where they could see Professor Remus Lupin resting in one of the beds. The older man was reading a newspaper with one hand and stirring a cup of tea with the other. Harry could only quietly chuckle at the sight. Lupin looked up puzzled at Harry's reaction, while Hermione rolled her eyes and shook her head in understanding before lightly swatting Harry's arm.

"Something funny about this, Harry?" Lupin inquired patiently.

Harry grinned back, "It's just so reminiscent of Hermione, here. She does nearly the exact same thing every breakfast."

Hermione just let out a long-suffering sigh and a glare to the ceiling before nudging Harry.

Taking his cue, Harry pulled out the essay Snape had set as well as all of the questions that had arose from their quick discussion in the library and handed it over to Lupin. The two kids were silent as they waited for Remus to work his way through the material. When he was done, he leaned back against the pillows and rubbed his face with his hands.

"How many others have reached the conclusions you have?" Came the muffled response.

Hermione shrugged even though Remus couldn't see it, "We don't know."

"It doesn't make a difference to me though," Harry replied. Lupin uncovered his face and gazed up at the green-eyed boy with raised eyebrows.

"Really? The fact that I turn into a raving, blood-thirsty monster doesn't affect you?"

Harry gave him back a lop-sided grin that was so reminiscent of his father that Remus' heart pinged. The boy shook his head and replied that, "So what? You get that way for _one night._ Hermione here, and every other girl in the school get like that for an _entire week!_ "

Hermione just huffed and swatted his arm. Both males just chuckled at her response.

"Seriously, Professor. I get it. You're dangerous and there's no cure for what ails you. According to the research, there _is_ a potion that would allow you to keep your human mind after the transformation." Remus nodded and replied that only a Potions Master was capable of making it and therefore it was in short supply.

That piqued Hermione's curiosity, "What is it about the potion that makes it so difficult to brew? The ingredients or the fact that there's a limited market for the results?"

Remus shrugged, "I'm not exactly sure. Either Madam Pomfrey or Professor Snape would be a better source of information about that question."

Harry grunted, "Yeah, I can just picture Snape's reaction if we were to start asking questions. He'd be more likely to just start taking points away from us than actually answering them."

* * *

Hermione in the meantime rose from her chair and went in search of the school's nurse. While she was gone, Harry and Remus spent the time getting to know one another. Harry had found out that Professor Lupin had been friends with his parents and had a bunch of great stories that he was willing to impart when he was released from the hospital.

"When you say that you were friends, were you 'friends because you were in the same house and classes' or was there something deeper than that?"

Remus' eyebrows quirked up, "What makes you ask that?"

"I saw the look you gave me when I had that lop-sided grin on my face earlier. That speaks of a deeper friendship and bond than that of year mates."

Remus sighed deeply, "Harry, I promise to answer all of your questions but not right now. Okay?"

Harry just stared into the older man's eyes before slowly nodding, "I'll hold you to that."

* * *

Hermione returned with a thick sheaf of paper in her hands and sat down heavily in her chair. Her attention was solely on the information within so she didn't hear Harry's question to her. It was only when he stuck his hand between her and the paperwork did she look up and take stock of her surroundings.

"Oh! Harry! Sorry, I got distracted. What did you say?"

Harry laughed, "Never change, Hermione. I asked you if you'd found what you were looking for?"

Nodding, she gestured with the stack of documentation, "Yeah, this is the work-up on the 'Wolfsbane Potion', which is what Professor Lupin here, and anyone else who can afford to buy, is supposed to take to help keep their human minds during the full moon."

"And what have you determined so far?"

Pursing her lips, "Well, right off the bat the potion is hideously complicated to make. Specific times, temperatures and ingredients need to be prepped and brewed in a certain way otherwise it's just a total mess."

"You think you'll be able to figure out an alternative?" Harry asked. Remus glanced over at the boy in puzzlement.

"Harry? The best minds in the world have tried but failed to come up with a better solution."

Harry puffed up in pride as he gestured towards his girlfriend, "Yeah but they didn't have Hermione on their team. Trust me, there's no one better to solve this problem than her."

Hermione didn't even look up from her reading though she did smirk a bit.

* * *

"In the meantime, Professor, would you be willing to help me answer the other questions that I had about Lycanthropy?" Harry asked as he turned back to Remus.

Remus shrugged and nodded, "Sure, what did you want to know?"

Harry pulled out a fresh piece of paper and a pen and got set up at one of the rollaway tables set nearby. Pointing at the list of questions that Remus held and had started the whole adventure that morning, he suggested they start there.

H: "What happens when there's a full moon during the day?"

R: "There's no actual transformation though I do get moody and rather aggressive towards others."

H: "What happens when it's raining or overcast at night?"

R: "I'll still transform though it takes longer to complete the process.

H: "What if you're underground or indoors?"

R: "I'm not sure. I've never been underground during the full moon before. Indoors, it's the same thing as if it were raining or overcast."

H: "Since moonlight is just reflected sunlight; could it be, in your opinion, that the transformation is due to lunar tidal shift?"

R: "Possible, never thought about that before."

H: "What sort of jobs are there that lend themselves better to weres other than the usual enforcer or security guard positions?"

R: "None that I know of."

H: "Why were you the only one offered a chance to get an education and why haven't there been more weres coming to Hogwarts?"

R: "You'd have to ask the Headmaster that question."

H: "A follow-up to the previous question. If it were available, would werewolves be willing to accept correspondence courses to get an education so they don't have to put up with the blatant bigotry from the general population?"

R: "They would in a heartbeat, as long as the courses were affordable."

H: "Last question, do you know of any muggle medications that weres could take instead of the Wolfsbane Potion?"

R: "The only ones I know of are highly illegal on both sides of the divide and not always available or effective."

Harry thanked Remus and put away his notes. Madam Pomfrey came bustling over and stated that visiting hours were over and that her patient needed his rest. The two kids thanked Remus again and headed out of the hospital.

"So what now, Hermione?"

She let out a deep sigh, "I need to get some books from a muggle medical library before I can honestly answer that, Harry."

Harry thought for a moment before brightening up, "What about owl-ordering them? I've heard that the magical post office has a service called, 'Magical to Muggle Mail.' I'm not sure of the details but it's supposed to be similar to a re-routing service."

"Hmmm… it's a possibility."

"Then there's always using Dobby as a go-between. I'm sure the little guy would jump at the chance to help you and I out. He could go straight to the library and borrow the books during the night and return them in the morning without anyone being aware they were taken." Hermione scrunched her face up at that.

"I don't know, that sounds a bit dodgy. I think I'll write to the post office first and see what they have and how much it costs."

* * *

Another month went by and Harry had heard nothing more on the subject until Professor Lupin was unavailable to teach because of the lycanthropy. Hermione had visited the hospital wing the prior week with the look on her face that signaled to the others in the school that disturbing her would be detrimental to their health. When Harry finally did catch up with his girlfriend, it was the evening of the full moon.

"Hey gorgeous, you come here often?" he said in the cheesiest of voices.

Hermione just laughed, "Thanks, I needed that. What'd you want?"

"Hehe, loaded question there my dear. Seriously though, I just wanted to know what you've been up to since the werewolf essay? You slid into your research mode and I've not seen hide nor hair of you for nearly a month. Everything okay with you?"

She nodded, "Yep, everything is just fine. I did get ahold of the post office and utilized that re-routing mail service they have. I think it's safer than it would've been had we used Dobby. Anyways, I got the books and according to my research there _are_ muggle medications and treatments available for those who suffer from lycanthropy."

"Inexpensive ones, I hope? It's not like Professor Lupin could afford anything extravagant."

"In magical terms, each dose would cost a were roughly a Galleon."

Harry let out a low whistle, "That's impressive! How easily available is the medication and how often would they have to take it?"

She pulled out her notes and consulted them, "They would need to get a week's worth and start taking them when the first symptoms appear. The weres would also have the option of checking into the hospital for monitoring purposes and if they wish to be part of a deeper study.

* * *

After compiling all of their work, Harry and Hermione wrote up their findings in a nice and neat document for publishing if they were so inclined. Hermione was all for publishing right there and then but Harry suggested that they consult with Professor Lupin and Madam Pomfrey to get their personal and professional opinions.

They tracked down the two adults to where they were finishing up a staff meeting with the other teachers and headmaster. After getting permission to address the group, the two teens laid out the backstory of how their research paper came to be and what they hoped they'd be given permission to do with the information learned. Harry passed out the documentation for the others to read while Hermione was practically vibrating with nervous excitement waiting for the verdict.

"I must say that this is probably the most non-biased and comprehensive work into lycanthropy I've ever seen," quipped Professor Flitwick, "I'd give my permission to have this published."

The others were more or less in agreement with that statement. Snape on the other hand, said nothing but did sneer quite a bit as he delved into the documents.

* * *

The next step to be undertaken was to obtain a sampling of the muggle medications. For this, they used Dobby to sneak in and get as it would've raised too many questions and inquiries they weren't prepared to answer yet if they'd tried the normal routes of supply requisition. The teens set up their laboratory in an unused classroom and began to study why these particular medications worked and how they compared to their magical counterparts.

What they found was that the ingredients themselves were identical to what could be found in the magical apothecaries, it was the process in which they were manufactured into the medication that was different. The specific chemical properties were extracted and recombined in their purest forms rather than the goopy mess that was the potion.

Professor Snape was occasionally consulted on how to brew the potion and any observations and modifications he'd come across while making it. When they were discussing the option early on to consult with the man, Harry had recommended that Hermione take the lead on that since Snape was utterly incapable of being civil whenever Harry was in his presence.

Once the initial experiments between the magical and non-magical medications were completed, they moved onto the clinical trials using Professor Lupin with Madam Pomfrey standing by for assistance. The early tests concluded that the non-magical medication was more effective at keeping the human mind present as well as easing the pain of transformation.

"Why is that? I don't remember seeing if the muggle meds had a pain reliever built in," commented Harry one evening.

Madam Pomfrey replied that because the magical variant was in essence a more primitive version of the muggle medication, it didn't fully cover all scenarios in the transformation.

"It's like if I gave you an orange. You could squeeze out the juices but not get the full effect if you were to eat the pulp as well."

"Oh, for the bulk and other nutrients that is present within the flesh?"

She nodded in agreement.

* * *

By April, the whole school had heard about the research paper that Harry and Hermione had coauthored and had sent to be reviewed and published. The morning of April 22nd, both teens were waiting on pins and needles for the morning mail rush. A nondescript barn owl delivered a rather large envelope to them before taking flight. Harry spotted Hedwig, his owl as she made her final approach to where they were sitting. The look on her face was of displeasure that she had not been used for her appointed duties.

Harry held out a couple strips of crispy bacon as a peace offering, "Hedwig, don't be angry. That owl came directly from the publishers regarding the paper that Hermione and I coauthored. We had no idea when it was due."

Hedwig merely glared at him for a moment before accepting the bacon.

Just then, Hermione let out a shriek of surprise and excitement, "Harry! The paper got reviewed and published! I'm a _published author!"_ She bounced up and down in her seat while grapple-hugging Harry.

Harry finally managed to release himself from her embrace.

"What else could we write a paper on?"

The look on Hermione's face was priceless.


	12. Not My Problem

**Not my Problem**

 **(One Shot)**

Premise: Set during the Champion Selection Ceremony at the beginning of Harry's fourth year at Hogwarts. In this story, Harry and Hermione are Gryffindors. A smarter and better educated Harry does something unexpected…

* * *

 **Monday 31 October, 1994 During the Champion Selection Ceremony**

"HARRY POTTER!" yelled Headmaster Albus Dumbledore into the assembled crowd of students of three schools and the staff in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. The Champion Selection Ceremony was underway prior to the start of the legendary Tri-wizard Tournament.

Harry, age 14, slumped in his seat and dropped his head as he groaned in frustration. He knew that something bad was going to happen. Bad things _always_ happened on Halloween! He heard Dumbledore call out one more time before he felt his girlfriend, Hermione Granger nudge him on the shoulder.

"You have to go up there, Harry. I'll wait for you when you come back," she whispered in his ear then gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Harry rose from his seat and began to make his way up to the front of the Hall. He could hear the others whispering and complaining that he, 'a cheat and an attention-seeking liar,' was going to be in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Ron Weasley was the loudest of the bunch; Harry was inwardly glad that he'd dumped the redheaded git back during his first year at school otherwise it would've been a stab to his heart to lose a friend. Hermione, on the other hand, had been a wonderful companion and confidant since day one. She never complained about his work ethic, loved to bounce ideas off of him (and vice versa), was eminently content to spend long hours with him in the library researching whatever struck their fancy. Plus, she was cute as heck in his opinion!

* * *

Harry entered the antechamber where the other three true Champions were gathered and awaiting further instructions. The French Champion turned and spotted him entering the room.

"Do they need us back in the Great Hall?" she asked with a rather thick accent.

Harry let out a frustrated sigh, "No, but it looks like my lousy luck has struck again. I didn't enter my name and I don't want any part in this. I imagine the circus is about to show its face though," he replied as the sounds of angry voices grew louder just outside the door.

Sure enough, Dumbledore followed closely by the Headmaster of Durmstrang, Igor Karkaroff and Headmistress of Beauxbatons, Olympe Maxime, rushed into the room. Albus made a beeline towards Harry and reached out to grab him only to practically skid to a halt after Harry raised his wand at the Headmaster in a threatening manner.

"Remember what happened last time someone tried to rush me, Headmaster?" Harry growled lowly as he reminded the old man about the events in the prior three years, "I don't like it when people try to grab me."

Albus raised his hands in supplication and looked bemused at the boy's response and implied threat.

"Did you put your name into the Goblet, Harry?" he said through gritted teeth with as much calm as he could muster.

"No, I have no desire to be part of this circus," Harry growled again. They heard a scoff from behind.

"Potter lying again. Just like his father," Severus sneered then ducked as a red bolt of magical energy flew just inches away from his head.

"Insult my father again, _professor_ , and I won't be so 'nice' next time."

"Harry! You just attacked a teacher!" Albus gasped.

"And it'll be worse if he should open his mouth in a disparaging manner again in my presence."

Albus could only stand there with his mouth dropped open in shock at the change in attitude he'd come to expect from the Potter boy. This was not how the boy was supposed to be behaving! What happened to the meek, malleable boy who looked to Albus to guide the way to his destiny?

Dismissing the Headmaster with a roll of his eyes, Harry turned to his Head of House and Transfiguration teacher as well as the Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall.

"I've done some reading since it was announced at the start of the school year that this school would be hosting the Tournament. It seems that if there is a dispute about entrants then there are options. Options that include cancelling the draw and resetting the Goblet."

"My dear boy, that's not possible. Once the fire goes out, it can't be turned back on until the Tournament starts over again," Dumbledore interjected.

Harry merely gave the old man a condescending look, "Really? Let's examine the Goblet shall we?" He then turned and headed out of the room. The others glanced at each other in confusion before scrambling to follow the raven-haired boy.

* * *

Harry re-entered the Great Hall which was empty except for Hermione who looked up from a book she was reading, waved at him and smiled warmly. He returned her wave then bent over to closely examine the runic inscriptions on the Goblet and referenced from a small leather bound journal in his hands. Harry began to inspect the arrays and clusters for the appropriate sequence but frowned when he couldn't find what he was looking for. Professor Flitwick stepped up and offered his assistance.

"Thank you professor. I'm looking for the set that identifies the magical signature of the entrant and for the cluster that handles a reset."

They found both a few moments later and Harry made an notation into his journal then straightened up.

"Care to revise your statement, Headmaster?" He pointed to the base of the Goblet, "This clearly shows that the Goblet can and _should_ be reset at the end of each _Champion Selection Ceremony_ , not at the end of the Tournament. As far as it's concerned, the Tournament itself doesn't exist nor does the Goblet 'care.' Of course, according to history, the Goblet wasn't even used last time. The Goblet was enchanted to choose three people; that's it. There's nothing on the Goblet that states it has to be used for this tournament. We could've used it to choose three people to play a round of Quidditch or three people to use the loo for all that it matters!" He could hear Hermione giggling from where she sat nearby.

Curious despite himself, Karkaroff stepped forward and asked Harry what _was_ used the last time.

"According to the reference book found in our library, the three competing schools' Headmasters chose their champions themselves based on a list of criteria. I can point out the book for later, if you'd like." Karkaroff nodded in silent thanks and moved back looking thoughtful.

"Now Headmaster, I assume you still have the parchment in which my name was supposedly written?" Harry imperiously held out his hand. Dumbledore still looked pensive as he handed over the slip. Harry looked it over and even held it up to the light. He set it down on the table and pulled out his wand then consulted his journal once more.

" _Designandum dominus magicae partem mecum"_ he intoned as he waved his wand over the slip. The slip glowed red and a beam of light launched out of the slip and traced its way over to…Professor Alastor Moody, that year's Defense Professor.

* * *

Bedlam erupted as everyone began talking and yelling at once. Harry moved away from the commotion and sat down next to his girlfriend. Professors McGonagall and Flitwick approached Harry and asked him what it was that he cast.

"I recognize that it's some kind of detection spell but what was with that beam of light?" Professor McGonagall started.

Harry grinned and gestured between the two of them, "That was something that Hermione and I found last year in the library. The incantation roughly translates to 'point me direction magic owner' which is what it did. I recognized that it wasn't _really_ my signature because of a couple of tells."

"Tells? What sort of tells?" Minerva asked.

"For one, the signature was too neat. You've seen my writing before so you know that it could be mistaken for a chicken dunking its feet in ink and walking across a table." Hermione briefly snorted in laughter and even Flitwick smiled knowingly. Minerva rolled her eyes and nodded for him to continue.

"Second, there was some additional writing on the slip like it had been torn off from one of my assignments yet I know for a fact that _none_ of my assignments have been damaged in any way."

"Third and final, I have been nowhere near the Goblet in order to supposedly drop my name in. Hermione here and Madam Pince can attest to that. We spent nearly the entire time since the Goblet was lit a day ago in the library doing research."

"Couldn't you have written your name down and had another student enter it in for you?"

Hermione shook her head, "No one was near us in the library the whole time, professor."

"So what happens now?" Flitwick inquired to Minerva. She shrugged her shoulders in contemplation, "I'm not sure. I guess we have to wait and see."

Harry let out a sigh of relief and scrubbed his fingers through his hair, "Well, I imagine that since it was not my magic that was chosen, I don't have to participate. Do you remember the array that identifies magical signature?" Flitwick nodded, "Well, the Goblet doesn't care what is written on the slip, only that a person's magical signature is used. The person could've used a blob of ink for all the Goblet cares. So now, I'm going to head back up to my girlfriend and fill her in with whatever it was she didn't hear. After that, I don't really care. I'll let you adults deal with this fiasco."

Both professors looked bemused at his response and waved him off. Professor McGonagall told him to wait in the Common Room as she would be up in a few minutes to let everyone else know what the results were.

* * *

Up in the Gryffindor Common Room things were just as loud and chaotic as it was down in the Great Hall yet Harry was calmly ignoring all those around him who were clamoring for his attention and information as to what happened earlier. Hermione was sitting next to him with her arm looped around his and holding his hand as she rested her cheek on his shoulder. Harry's recollection of the events after he had entered the antechamber disgusted her though she honestly wasn't surprised that they'd happened.

Just then the noise in the room slackened off as Professor McGonagall entered. She conjured a small stepstool and addressed the crowd.

"Students listen up! I will only say this once; Mr. Potter _DID NOT_ enter his name into the Goblet and therefore will not be participating. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves and to you. Please report anyone who is besmirching Mr. Potter's innocence in this matter to either myself or to Professor Flitwick and we will deal with it. The Hogwarts Champion remains Cedric Diggory of Hufflepuff. That is all, good night." She stepped down and vanished the stool before leaving.

There was still a fair amount of grumbling and complaining, especially from Ron Weasley who seemed to be in denial and was mouthing off to his friends about how Harry was now a coward for worming his way out of the competition.

* * *

"Interesting turn of events there, eh Harry?" came the recognizable voice of one of the infamous Weasley Twins; George in this case.

Harry grinned, "Worthy of the Marauders, it was."

George gestured his hands to further that comment so Harry filled the twins in on what had transpired. The explanation had the two of them rolling on the floor laughing themselves silly.

Pulling himself back onto the couch, Fred asked Harry what his next great prank was going to be.

Buffing his fingernails on his shirt, Harry replied in a pompous voice, "I think I'm going to let slip to Draco Malfoy that the hair gel he so religiously uses and applies is actually a product that my great-grandfather developed and I thank him for being so generous in filling my family coffers with the repeated purchases of such large quantities."

That had both the twins and Hermione dying of laughter.


	13. The Power of a Proper Education

**The Power of a Proper Education**

Set in Seventh year. Harry is engaged to Hermione Granger and has been making waves. He's the Head Boy and she Head Girl. One evening, the two reminisce about the events leading up to their current project, the Revitalization of Hogwarts' Education.

* * *

Prologue:

Harry Potter's re-entered the magical world at age eleven, raised by his magic-distrusting maternal aunt and uncle Petunia and Vernon Dursley, with the mindset that he needed to learn all he could so he would be able to leave Privet Drive and make something of himself and make his family proud of him. (The Dursleys are not abusive.) As a result, he was Sorted into Ravenclaw much to the dismay of a secretly manipulative Dumbledore. That intelligence served young Harry as he was able to use the logic and critical thinking he learned in muggle Primary to see past the setup and traps that Dumbledore had installed within the school to test the boy. It was during his first trip to Gringott's that Harry learns of his family's past and power. He convinces Hagrid that a longer and more in-depth search of the bookstore is needed. Armed with thick books on the etiquette and history of magical Britain and the Potter's place within it; Harry is ready to take on what comes.

(Because Harry was Sorted into Ravenclaw, he and Severus Snape never had their problems over the past history of Harry's father and a young Severus.)

* * *

In his First year, Harry and Hermione bond over their love of fiction books and the fun of comparing muggle fantasy magic to actual magic. After a few ill-fated attempts to curry Harry's favor, Ron Weasley is summarily rebuffed and told in no uncertain terms that the red-head will never be friends with him. Ron tries once more so Harry takes charge and writes a scathing letter to the Weasley Head of House and demands that the youngest son be 'educated properly' or he as the Head of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Potter will have to enact sanctions against the Ancient House of Weasley. The result was spectacularly embarrassing for the members of the red-headed clan. Ronald was pulled from the castle and homeschooled. Draco Malfoy is also initially rebuffed but told that he came across too strongly and if he was willing to try again in a month or two to allow Harry to acclimate himself, they could see if introductions could be re-attempted. This leads to Draco being friendlier to Harry as well as Hermione, especially after Draco finds out that Hermione never had the opportunity to learn the proper etiquette and history.

Harry learned about the Philosopher's Stone being held within the castle. After getting caught by Filch on the Third Floor after the stairs mysteriously dumped him off there and stranded him, he researched everything he could about the Stone. Curious as to why Nicholas Flamel would entrust said stone to the Headmaster to be kept within the school, Harry wrote the legendary alchemist a letter requesting clarity. The result was a very angry owner who descended upon the school and demanded the stone back. The fallout was intensified when the Head of the DMLE arrived with a team of Beastmasters, Aurors and a couple of Unspeakables to investigate a letter they'd received from an 'anonymous concerned student' who wondered why there was all these traps and animals in the school. Needless to say, Albus Dumbledore was not a happy camper. The traps were dismantled, Quirrel vanished and the rest of the year was quiet.

* * *

In his Second Year, Harry and Hermione meet Luna Lovegood, a somewhat flighty and distracted new student who has interesting views of 'undiscovered' creatures. The three bond over the topic of new information and potential discoveries in magizoology. Harry is discovered to be a Parselmouth. Rather than retreating, Harry gets ahead of the curve by holding a Question and Answer session with anyone who wants to know more about the ability to speak with snakes and other reptiles. He ends up having to hold it in the Great Hall due to the huge amount of interest. He describes the ability as nothing more special as being able to speak another language like Spanish, French or Mandarin. Hermione joins him on stage and points out that there are many countries and businesses around the world that would drool at the opportunity to recruit people who could speak to animals. She cites Gringott's as being a potential employer with their high security dragons along with Saint Mungo's Creature Bite Department as having a standing order to hire any Parselmouth. Zoos and other animal sanctuaries are another mentioned.

This leads to a greater discussion as to whether or not, the language could be taught to other people. Harry figures it couldn't hurt to try so he sets up a time once a week to at the very least, teach others to understand the language. It turns out that the language is magically incapable of being taught to being spoken by others not born with the talent. No one complains too much as they're at least able to understand the simple phrases that they're taught.

It was revealed later in the term that Luna's been bullied by some of the others within Ravenclaw for her unorthodox views of magic and magical creatures. After a bit of research, Harry puts forth the option of placing Luna under the protection of House Potter. Luna accepts after a brief discussion, Harry then takes action by involving their Head of House, Professor Filius Flitwick about the bullying. Flitwick puts an immediate stop to it by pointing out that everything that the Ravenclaws hold true in their books at one point were considered unorthodox by the establishment. This unassailable logic calms things down and raises the opinions of others in Luna's research.

The problem of getting the story out of Dobby regarding the mystery of the 'bad things will be happening' is solved by having the stressed elf tell the tale to his reflection in a mirror with Harry listening to the story. Dobby praises Harry for being "sneaky-sneaky." After speaking with Hermione, they contact the Department of Mysteries' Unspeakables and explain what's happened. The Unspeakables use the information and track down not only the Diary but also the Basilisk within the Chamber of Secrets. After dispatching the snake, they dispose of the Diary through the Veil. The carcass of the snake is rendered down and sold with the proceeds split between the DoM and Harry. The Unspeakables also mention a Prophesy in existence regarding Harry and the Dark Lord. After hearing the contents of the prophesy, Harry and the Unspeakable Chief write up a contract for the Department of Mysteries to act as Harry's 'hand' in disposing these vile creations.

* * *

Harry's Third Year was relatively quiet in comparison to the prior two years. The announcement that 'notorious mass murderer' Sirius Black had escaped Azkaban Prison was met with skeptism by both Harry and Hermione. Something about the backstory didn't make sense to them. Harry meets with his family account manager in Gringott's to get their side of the story. When asked why, Harry explains that the Goblins are known to not 'beat around the bush' and are honest and trustworthy. This results in the tale of how the magic signatures just don't match the actions of the two players on the day that Sirius intercepted Peter Pettigrew on that muggle street.

Given her love of muggle crime novels, Hermione contacts Amelia Bones, the Director of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and asks for a sit down discussion of the whole known story as well as the chance to air any questions or investigations. What they discover was that Sirius Black had never been given a trial after his capture. Director Bones tries to get the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge to green light an investigation but the coward refuses to do so. After hearing that, Harry takes to publishing a scathing letter to the _Daily Prophet_ newspaper outlining that if anyone had the right to hear the reasoning behind the supposed betrayal of his parents by Sirius Black, it was their son. The cowardice by the minister would suggest that he's being manipulated into hunting down a potentially innocent man and Heir of the other Noble and Most Ancient House of Black and having him Kissed by Dementors.

The Trial of Sirius Black vs. The Ministry for Magic is the most heavily attended trial of recent memory. In it, it's discovered that Sirius was acting as a decoy to the Potter's Secret-keeper Peter Pettigrew as stated in the Potter Will. The Prosecution stated that the Will was sealed on the executive order of Albus Dumbledore and therefore could not be accessed. With a smirk of vindication, the Defense pulls out the Gringott's copy and proceeds to tear the Prosecution's case apart. It's also revealed that Albus Dumbledore was the Witness to the creation and signing of the Will and knew that Harry was never supposed to be raised by Petunia and Vernon Dursley. Upset by this, Harry mentions that those two were in fact who raised him. A separate injunction and trial was set up to prosecute Albus for failure to follow the instructions of the Will.

Sirius is eventually cleared of all charges and remanded to the rehabilitative care of Saint Mungo's. The Dementors are sent back to the prison.

Harry meets Remus Lupin on the train ride north to the school and gets reacquainted during the trip. Harry learns why it was that Lupin wasn't part of his childhood and says that as long as the older man doesn't try to eat him, convert him and promises to remember to take his medicine; Harry has no problem with the fact that Remus is a werewolf. The Weasley Twins hand over the Marauder's Map after they learn that Harry is the Heir to their heroes. In return, Harry introduces the Twins to Moony. Minerva McGonagall swears that if the Marauders and the Weasley Twins team up, she's going to retire immediately.

* * *

(During the intervening summer between Third and Fourth, Peter Pettigrew in hiding as the Weasley rat 'Scabbers' disappears and starts making his way to find his former Master.)

In Harry's Fourth year, he used that brilliance of his to get himself disqualified from his supposed entry into the Tri-Wizard Tournament by utilizing the loopholes within the original contract. Albus tries to get Harry to participate anyways but is summarily rebuffed. The school has a Champion in Cedric Diggory and Harry would be damned if he tried to cheat his way in. During the ruckus at the end of the Third Task, Harry is kidnapped by a Death Eater posing as Alastor Moody and used as the unwilling blood sacrifice to rebirth Lord Voldemort. Harry manages to escape after being forced to 'duel' with the reborn Dark Lord by being quiet and hiding behind the tombstones until he finds the exit to the graveyard. He summons the Knight Bus and heads to the Department of Mysteries to share the memory with the Unspeakables his recent brush with death.

The Unspeakables send a team out to recover anything that might've been left behind after the ritual and to determine if there might be another Horcrux in the area. They find the Resurrection Stone ring and after some experimentation, are able to separate the stone from the ring. (The Withering Curse was within the band of the ring). The Horcrux within the stone is removed and disposed of and the rest is chucked through the Veil.

* * *

In his Fifth year after being tormented during the summer by recurring nightmares of a particular hallway in the Department of Mysteries and of Sirius being captured and tortured at the Ministry for Magic, Harry manages to defeat Voldemort once and for all thanks to the brilliance of his girlfriend. Hermione had found an obscure spell in a book deep within the Room of Requirment that would reach out through a ritual and capture a person's soul and encapsulate it in a shard of enchanted amber. Through diligent research, they discovered the fragment of Voldemort's soul within Harry's scar and used it as a base for the ritual. In addition, Hermione worked out a portable ritual circle and inscribed it onto special runic tablets.

The Battle was hard fought and they did lose a few people but Harry was lucky in that during a pitched battle with Dolohov, Harry managed to block the banishing curse that Bellatrix used on Sirius by intercepting the curse by summoning _Dolohov_ into its path. Sirius was then able to focus on his fight with his deranged cousin and take her out using a family spell that caused the crazy witch to fall into an enchanted sleep.

Voldemort makes his appearance and tries to fight Harry, only for Dumbledore to make his grand entrance. The old man nearly wrecks everything in his grandstanding. During that skirmish, Harry sets up the ritual circle and enacts the plan he and Hermione came up with. When Voldemort tries to possess Harry, the runic circle is activated and pulls the essences of the original as well as all the other hidden soul shards into the prepared amber. This is then chucked through the Veil of Death with the Minister, the Chief Unspeakable as well as the rest of the Aurors and a ministry reporter witnessing.

[Because Harry never tried to claim to the public about Voldemort's reappearance after the resurrection ritual in the Hangleton graveyard, Umbridge never set the Dementors after him and his cousin Dudley nor did she get the position of DADA professor/High Inquisitor. The position went to Sirius Black instead after being cleared by Saint Mungo's of his mental and physical health.]

When Albus learns of all that has happened, he's incredibly upset and vocal that Harry didn't try to negotiate and redeem the Death Eaters from their lawless ways. Sirius gets angry and punches Dumbledore in the nose, demanding that the old goat stay away from his godson. Albus is arrested for interfering in a DoM operation for the hunt and capture of Voldemort and his Death Eaters and is incarcerated for evaluation. The Board of Directors is informed and decided that enough is enough; Albus is fired as Headmaster of Hogwarts.

* * *

Harry and Hermione's Sixth year is by far the quietest of any of their previous school years. Aside from the trial against Dumbledore, there's no madman trying to kill Harry or some crazy "Greater Good" plot from the former Headmaster. As a result, Harry settles down and does his best to get good grades and be the best boyfriend to Hermione. The two discover the Room of Requirement's Room of Hidden Things and are astounded by the treasure trove of potential history and knowledge contained within. Hermione discovers a stash of jewels and sends a few off to Gringott's to be appraised. What she learns kicks off an inkling of an idea on how to improve the standards of education within Hogwarts.

The two sit down at their table armed with reams of fresh paper, plenty of ink and quills. Hermione is quietly reading the report from Gringott's as Harry enters carrying a tray of cups of tea and some nibblies.

"Caught up on everything, Hermione?" She nodded without looking up and flipped to the next page, clearly involved with what she was reading and not really paying attention.

Harry smirked and pulled out a fresh sheaf of paper and began marking down the classes that Hogwarts offered as well as the ones he'd like to see.

 **Core Classes: Offered**

Astronomy

Beginning Flight

Charms

DADA

Herbology

History

Potions

Transfiguration

 **Electives: Offered**

Ancient Runes

Arithmancy

Care Magical Creatures

Divination

Muggle Studies

Quidditch

* * *

Harry sighed as he looked over the rather paltry list of classes. He felt Hermione reach out and take his hand in silent commiseration as he bent back over to write down the new list of classes that should be offered.

 **Possiblities:**

Advanced Flight

Advanced Muggle Studies

Animagi Studies

Apprenticeship Training

Apparition

Beginning Healing

Business

Diplomacy

Dueling

Enchanting

Finance

Head Boy/Girl Prep

Mind Arts (Occlumency/Legilimency)

Magical Cartography (Portkey)

Prefect Training

Professorship Training

Technomancy

Warding

* * *

"Why didn't you include the Arts, Harry?" Hermione quietly asked as she peered over his shoulder.

Harry looked back and gave her a quick kiss on her lips, "I wanted to give that its own list. It'd be too big to put it under this one." She nodded and turned back to her own reading.

 **Magical Arts and Crafts**

Beginning Acting

Dance

Metalcraft

Music

Painting

Pottery

Printing

Sculpture

Textiles

Woodcraft

Voice (Singing)

With a loud sigh, Harry flopped back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. Hermione chuckled quietly at the familiar sight.

"Well, it's probably not everything but it should be enough to share with Headmistress McGonagall and the Board of Directors, especially in light of the amount of money that could be acquired by the sale of those gems and the other items within the Room."

Hermione stood up and gathered up all the paperwork and held out her hand to her fiancé, "Let's go then. Let's see what sort of waves we could create with this."


End file.
